I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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Meanwhile in Canada…
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.