I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
o shit
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Baking is just science you can eat.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Gross if literal…Liverpool
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.