I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.