If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Dishonest mechanic?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.