I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
R.I.P.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.