I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.