I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g