@JohnLyonTweets: I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.
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@Tmoney68: BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
@daemonic3: [at funeral] FRIEND: I'm sorry for your loss ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn't get injured FRIEND: I meant for your wife ME: It's ok, now she'll never know I lost
@oakhillbargrill: Him: 'Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?' Me: -whimpering 'She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle'
@ChribHibble: The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.