I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
i hate you platonically
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
i’m sure it’s fine
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.