I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.