I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
You Might Also Like
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me too, bag. Me too….
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
This makes total sense…
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.