@TylerLinkin: I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later... Holy Shit!
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@mynameshank: Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor's outdoor Christmas decorations.
@AimeeHelene1: Ma'am...we're going to have to ask you to get off of the table. Ma'am... (me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
@protolalia: Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver's license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
@Lunatic_times: when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.