@TylerLinkin: I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later... Holy Shit!
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@Matt_the_1st: It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
@KeetPotato: [exchanging xmas gifts] me: "if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?" schrödinger: "i feel like i brought this on myself"
@thejessbess: People are like, "Jess, can you give me some advice?" & I'm like, "K, don't get kidnapped."