I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
You Might Also Like
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Hmm, not sure about this change
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends