@MinedOvaMatter: I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [hotel room] Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* "C'mere baby" Me: "OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn't wash those"
@shutupmikeginn: Me: It's cold outside. Them: It's not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I'm about to elaborate on.
@ashleyaustrew: If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you're in, they're your kids.