I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator