I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers