I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Life hack
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe