Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
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Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
constantly working on myself.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.