I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
That’s not how days work.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.