Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
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Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
This kid is going places
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.