I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.