If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
You Might Also Like
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
i love modern commerce