I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
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me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.