@usermcuserface: I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I'm sitting in timeout tweeting this.
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@deardilettante: [ first date ] Me. Do you take drugs? Him. I never touch them. Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
@mommy_cusses: *Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse* 5: *crying* Me: It's okay, son. 5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
@youcancallmesim: Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?