@usermcuserface: I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I'm sitting in timeout tweeting this.
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@JoroPotential: If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line "lettuce romaine friends" at a low cost of my student loans.
@FilthyRichmond: Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake shit.
@simoncholland: 2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.