I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me