@MrsMikePatton: I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward.
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@PaperWash: bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE! [everyone freezes] bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this'll be the best mannequin challenge yet
@ImHopel3ss: My dealer said he'll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We're gonna watch a movie!
@HeyZeus666: I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
@BeTheCookie: At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she'll need to get a job. Is it 6?