“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
You Might Also Like
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My love language is hissing.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.