@Tmoney68: I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
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@SpencerLenox: A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Just found out there's a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I'm like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
@owlbacon: They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
@anerdonfire2: The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me