I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
You Might Also Like
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.