I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
😂 amazing answer
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.