I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.