I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
How dramatic are you?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: