I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Guy who likes music
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.