I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I had to Stop for this
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.