[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one