I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
You Might Also Like
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.