I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.