Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
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Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I just ran a .003048K
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*