date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
BRO LMFAO
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.