I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.