My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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scientist: don鈥檛 touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you鈥檙e changing colors just tell me what you touched and i鈥檒l save you
me: [about to die] i didn鈥檛 touch anything i swear to god
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
had to make it
girls don鈥檛 want boys, they want good hair days
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it鈥檚 walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 馃槏
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain鈥檛 gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I see in your bio you鈥檙e divorced and play the bagpipes. I鈥檓 going to venture a guess as to why you鈥檙e divorced
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.