Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%