I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Otters see a butterfly.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?