@T_Bonezzz_: Her: YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT! Me: Well... at least I'm not all of the shit

@phalguy: You're an embarrassment to the human race. What are you doing later?

@CornOnTheGoblin: good cop: we've located the explosives cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

@dril: oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal

@shopkins776: Gf: "You want to know what your problem is?" Me: *looks at watch* "Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours"