@ChrisScarlette: *i put two straws in my drink* gf: awhh :) me: hell ya double barrel *i use both straws*

@PS_IRuddYou: Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop... That's not a front for anything illegal I'm sure...

@JakeDuarte43: Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! :)

@Robert_Beau: My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn't my finger.

@LetMeStart: Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids "no eating on the couch" while you're eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn't fair.