@T_Bonezzz_: My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall. Worked great! Also, If you've found my nephew Jake, lemme know

@SardonicTart: Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@MartaEffing: My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh... That's more like it.

@pixelatedboat: Godspeed, John Glenn

@juliacomedy: remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life