I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
A Short Story.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Squirrel having fun.. 😅