I self medicate, therefore you live.
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
A fake ID that makes you younger
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.