straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
pls suprot
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.