I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
lmao
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.