I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
work smarter, not harder
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white