“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you