I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
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My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.