Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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