My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay