@xLiserx: I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.
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@mrtruthandsoul: Top 5 oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp 2. Civil war 3. Virtual reality 4. Great outdoors 5. Family vacation
@thepunningman: Hansel: What if we get lost? Gretel: We'll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow Duck: Good idea Hansel: Gretel: Duck: I mean quack
@InternetHippo: [Martian welcoming party] We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this