Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
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Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced