I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
adam and eve had first world problems
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
When you’ve simply given up.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.