I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck